Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Nervous
I have spent all day worrying about the results of the PET scan. What am I going to do if it is worse than we thought? I am going to freaking lose it. If you were in my situation you would too probably. All I know is to keep plugging away and hopefully things will get better. This time is so much harder and difficult though. I know I can talk to anyone but, unless you are with me and see what is going on it is hard to talk about and have someone understand. The first time I had Kristi there for damn near everything and I know that made it so much easier on myself because she saw everything herself. Our friendship is so strained right now (not really knowing why it is) that I can't even talk to her just to calm down at moments. She simply refuses to talk to me and that hurts a lot. I know she has the most adorable child in Aubrey to take care of but damn 5 minutes please! That is something that maybe I took for granted the first time. This round is nerve racking for sure and I just keep thinking about the scan turning out in the negative. The thing Dr.Skubitz said is getting to me and I am just pissed off and terrified. Everything has been bad news I just want to hear something good that has happened in the ordeal. Something around the sense of you have very little cancer in your body lets kick the rest of its ass. I am hoping and praying that is what I hear but, honestly I don't think that is what I am going to get. I just keep asking myself as well why we didn't take my Spleen out 3 years ago when we say this nor did a PET scan right away. Maybe this damn thing has been growing for 3 years! Just a plethora of things running through my head. I cannot lie here keeping positive and strong is tough and I am still fighting and plugging away.
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3 comments:
It's totally valid for you to be scared. I would be scared. I am scared for you. None of us do understand, really, what you're going through. I can empathize, though. I imagine that it's dark and lonely. I want to cry for you. I actually am crying for you and, to be honest, crying isn't something I do very well. It's weird, I have a lot of trouble crying.
I imagine that you're thinking how unfair this is. You're right. It is totally unfair. I am so sorry.
I imagine that you're questioning every move you've made in your entire life. Did this or that increase your chances? Make it worse? That's got to be an exhausting loop that is nearly impossible to let go of. It's a lose-lose, too, because when you think about it you either DID have some control OR you didn't have any. Neither one is a particularly great option, is it?
I'm not going through all ot this to make you feel worse. I'm going through it to let you know that what you're going through, mentally, DOES MAKE SENSE! This disease has the power to drive you crazy as well as make you physically ill. When I think about you, I pray about you. When I pray about you, I thank God that you are who you are because, as dark and lonely as it is, you're not the type of person who is going to let you this get you down too long. You're not going to let it drive you crazy. You're going to recognize that what you're going through is totally normal, and you're going to find the meaning hidden in between the world of being in control of something and being out of control. And that, my dear Justin, is where the truth of life lies. You'll find it, you'll know it, and you'll make something worthwhile come out of that... because you're that kind of guy.
I am sorry that you have to go through this. I am sorry that it is so very unfair. I am glad to know though, that you are who you are, because you're going to turn this so that some good comes out of it. You are going to totally pwn this cancer, by making something awful create something good. You've already been doing that, with all the ways I've already told you, and you're going to keep doing that.
The darkness just comes before dawn, and dawn is beautiful. As awful as all of this is, you're one of the people who will really be able to experience the actuality of a true dawn. You'll know when it happens, too. I have faith in you.
I just want you to know that I am thinking of you all the time, It is very valid for you to be nervous and scared. I continue to pray for you. And I believe I have had you and your family added to all of my friends prayer lists.
I see you had a good time at the ball game on Saturday. Good thing you did not go to the last two games, yesterday and today.
I had to listen to one of the guys at work laughing at me because the Cubs won. I am sure I will have to listen to it again tomorrow.
It was good to see you on the weekend
Stay strong and keep the faith, we are praying for good news when you see the Doctor.
See you soon
Cindy E
Hey dude, if you ever need anything let me know. Even if it's just someone to call and vent to. Keep your chin up, and take this one day at a time.
Coop
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